“You have a tendency to jump super deep into things,” My husband Conor said like a warning, as we discussed putting together a blog for the studio, “you love a rabbit hole to ruminate in.”
“Is that a problem?” I said, mildly defensive.
“Well, no, but you tend to take a lot of time on something that doesn’t need it, and then it may not get done in a timely manner.” Shots fired, but he hit the bullseye in one go.
He’s right. Sometimes I feel like there are 5 people in my head shouting at each other, each trying to prove their own way of seeing the world, that their version is the right one. At times, the noise is so loud I even struggle to speak and will often take a long pause to gather my thoughts. Then, when it comes to writing a blog, or implementing a yoga course, or even responding to an email; the deadline has long since passed. While I may have thought a lot about it, the thought isn’t what counts here; it’s the lack of action.
I think a lot of us struggle with this; where we live in a constant place of ruminating, thinking, critiquing, analysing, etc. And while it’s a beautiful part of the mind to try and understand the world; hyper-rationalisation has a way of divorcing us from feeling the world, or in other words… being present. Which is what I was missing before the queer tantra yoga retreat in Spain, where I finally found a way to turn off the noise; by becoming more sensual. I like to think of sensuality as ‘of the senses, but with pleasure.’
I know what you’re thinking; sensuality, tantra…. is that like a prelude to sex? What is he on about… And to be fair; I would have thought this too, as when I read the description of events I had a massive eye roll to the point they almost got stuck in one place. The reason we went was to research the retreat venue as another location for our students, and I wanted to finally be led, instead of leading, for once. And what I thought it was going to be like, and what it turned out to be like, couldn’t have been more different.
On this retreat, we were guided to be vulnerable, open, and compassionate to each other to the point it created a sensual connection that was centered in love for each other. We did this by playing games, where we crawled around on the floor like animals; we were allowed to become kids again, and practice how it feels to let go of embarrassment. We painted each others bodies and danced around like silly gooses, learning to celebrate our body than critique it. We held each other’s eye gazes and matched breath, learning to share an emotional space without having to define it. We shared our deepest pain in sharing circles with each other; learning to be vulnerable, without having to pretend we’re ok. We held each other in hugs and cuddle puddles, without having to fear closeness.
Image courtesy of www.udugumen.com
In short, we learned how to love ourselves again. I say ‘again’ because we have all, at one time, loved ourselves. As kids, we would play freely and creatively, without being afraid of what we thought about ourselves. We’d meet other kids in school, or neighbors, and become instantly close friends and sharing secrets. As adults, we’ve lost a lot of that magic; we’re so hyper aware of what others may think of us, but ultimately… we fear how we think of ourselves. And sensuality is a key to turning the mind’s switch to OFF; it means we are present with how we feel, so much so that it’s more important than how we think.
Consider sensuality as not something to experience sexuality, but to enjoy the senses in the present moment. To feel the flow of water across the body as we swim, to enjoy the scent of someone you love to be around, to mindfully eat your favorite foods, to move fluidly in a vinyasa class with ease. In essence, to enjoy the present moment without the mind screwing it up. Sensuality isn’t about sexuality; but rather about finding pleasure in the mundane and day-to-day.
And for me, as someone whose mind races to the point I get so exhausted and thus non-productive; this retreat taught me to authentically feel the present moment, and soften into it. By not worrying so much about my own thoughts, I’m less exhausted and oddly thus more productive and motivated.
Now, I could get into another diatribe about how rumination is often a result of wanting to avoid an emotion that needs tending to, but that would be falling down yet another rabbit hole and I’ll never get this blog published. But instead of considering so many different things I can write down, I’m enjoying the moment of writing rather than contemplating. I’m enjoying being present, rather than thinking. And that, will allow me to hit “send.”
Instead of spiralling into another rabbit hole, I’m staying in the present moment more through enjoying the senses of it, instead of trying to rationalise or uncover a deeper meaning. Maybe that’s the real lesson; to not to think our way into being present, but to feel our way into it.
Sensually,
Derrick.